


Matchmaker, Matchmaker

by Watermelonsmellinfellon



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Voldemort, Chinese Translation Available, Harry is a Parselmouth, Humor, M/M, Mild Language, Nagini is a Matchmaker, Nagini is a little fucker, No Death Eaters, Parseltongue, Poor Insults, tomarry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 06:40:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10714227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Watermelonsmellinfellon/pseuds/Watermelonsmellinfellon
Summary: Nagini acts as a messenger for Harry and Tom, carrying insulting messages between the Slytherin dungeon and Gryffindor Tower. Eventually, Nagini gets bored and starts making up stuff, and the messages just become confusing. Nagini becomes a matchmaker. Unwittingly.





	Matchmaker, Matchmaker

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rhodium](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhodium/gifts).
  * Translation into 中文 available: [红娘，红娘](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10876359) by [LovingStranger_13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovingStranger_13/pseuds/LovingStranger_13)
  * Inspired by [Matchmaker Nagini](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/285807) by rhodium-rose. 



> -This was done for @rhodium-rose on Tumblr. I'm not back in the HP fandom right now, the idea was just inspiring for the time being.
> 
> -Live Potter family. No Second Wizarding War. No Voldemort. Alternate Universe. Humor. Harry is not Boy Who Lived.
> 
> -I really liked this so I had to fic it for them.

**A/N: Hello, people!**

**I don't own Harry Potter.**

**I have no beta.**

**ENJOY!**

**CHECK ME OUT ON TUMBLR.[HELLY-WATERMELONSMELLINFELLON](http://helly-watermelonsmellinfellon.tumblr.com/). I FOLLOW BACK.**

**Translation into[CHINESE](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10876359#main).**

* * *

 

§ ** _Why do you bother trying in Potions when we all you you’re pathetic at it?_** § **  
**

Harry frowned and looked around. The slightly hissy tone to the strange voice made his realise that someone was speaking Parseltongue to him. As Tom Riddle was the only other Parselmouth he knew of, it had to be Tom. Yet Tom was nowhere to be seen.

§ ** _I am down here._** §

It was not Tom. It was Tom’s familiar, Nagini. She was somehow curled around the wooden legs of his chair. His chair that was currently placed in the Common Room of Gryffindor Tower. A place where Slytherins did not bother to venture.

He blinked twice, astonished to see a serpent anywhere near Gryffindor. And most importantly, how did she get in?

He ended up asking.

§ ** _The great Salazar made the secret doors in the castle open to Parseltongue,_** § the large snake told him, tongue flicking out for a few seconds. § _ **I came in behind the large suit of armour by the fireplace.**_ §

Bloody hell. There were secret places in the castle that opened to Parseltongue? He’d have to check them out. But most importantly in this revelation, Riddle knew about them! If he was so against Gryffindors, why did the other teen not do anything to them? It made no sense!

Facing the serpent, Harry asked, § ** _Nagini, why are you here and why did you insult my potions skills?_** §

The serpent sighed, or at least it looked like a sigh. He wasn’t that well versed in snake behaviour so he didn’t really know if it was even possible for a snake to sigh or shrug like she looked like she was doing.

§ ** _Master has sent me to insult you. There was a list of things I was to say. I forgot most of them._** §

Harry bristled now that he knew the reason for her visit. That twat waffle!

§ _ **Tell your master that he’s an arse and that I’ll lay him flat on his back again come DADA on Monday. We all know he holds nothing to me in a duel and he’ll never defeat me.**_ §

The serpent once again seemed to sigh, but she did give a snaky nod.

He watched enraptured as she slithered over toward the suit of armour and hissed for it to open. The armour did so, revealing a rather small tunnel that he was going to have to learn how to make use of later on.

For now, he was going to focus on his Potions essay and hope that he didn’t botch it up. Tom Riddle most certainly didn’t linger in his thoughts for the rest of the evening. No way, no how.

* * *

Tom’s eyes narrowed. He hadn’t considered that Harry Potter would respond in kind. In fact, he had expected Nagini to deliver his message and then take her leave, not strike up a conversation with the Gryffindor and then come back to him with the most insulting comeback he would never have expected of the Potter Heir.

Everyone in Slytherin knew that Tom did not like to be reminded of the fact that Harry Potter somehow always managed to out-perform him in their dueling. Defence Against the Dark Arts was Potter’s best class and he held the highest O.W.L. score in history for it. He would most likely get the highest N.E.W.T. score as well.

Not once had Tom defeated the other, and to have it rubbed in his face enraged him!

§ ** _Nagini, you will follow him around at any opportunity and call him all manner of insulting terms you know. He’ll eventually get frustrated and come to me to make it cease. And then I will enjoy making him beg me on his hands and knees._** §

The serpent gave a sigh and nodded, slithering from the Common Room as a group of Second years slipped in through the entrance.

He glared in their direction and smirked when they squeaked and scuttled away as fast as possible.

At least in Slytherin he was respected for the genius he was. Potter would learn some respect. And he’d look good on his knees.

* * *

§ ** _Idiot._** §

Harry sighed.

§ ** _Prat._** §

Another sigh.

“Mate, Riddle’s snake is following you around a lot,” Ron observed, glancing over the side of the table to see that Nagini was indeed, curled around Harry’s ankles.

The brunet rolled his eyes. “Riddle is trying to annoy me. What he doesn’t know is that I _like_ snakes and that Nagini is very enjoyable company. His plans have failed.”

Nagini had been in the middle of saying something when she stopped suddenly.

Without warning, something smooth and scaly slid up his leg, her head popping out from under the table. A forked tongue flapped in front of his face a few times, tapping his chin silently. He ignored the worried murmurs of his Housemates and merely fixed his attention on the snake that was almost in his lap.

§ ** _You are not lying,_** § the serpent stated. § ** _You actually appreciate my glorious company._** §

He wondered if all snakes were so… arrogant.

§ ** _I like you just fine. Your master is an arse though. I don’t like him much._** §

She gave a hum.

§ _ **Tell your master that he’s stupid to think this would work and that he needs a better imagination. I thought Slytherins were supposed to be brilliant and cunning. He’s just lame.**_ §

§ _ **Fine.**_ §

He snickered, imagining Riddle’s face when he realised that his plan to annoy the shite out of Harry had failed. He wondered what the other would have to come next.

* * *

It escalated to the point where poor Nagini was run ragged multiple times a day as the two students sent her back and forth to insult one another in petty ways. Just when it seemed like she’d get some sort of break, she’d be sent off again with an even longer message to remember.

After a fortnight of the moon rising and falling, she’d finally had enough. Enough of having to move through the castle which was a lot larger than most would assume. And yes, while she used all those secret passages, it wasn’t exactly entertaining.

She would just say what she wanted and if they didn’t get it, that was on them. They should learn not to be such selfish hatchlings.

So commenced operation, **Nagini Doesn’t Care**.

* * *

§ ** _You look like a rabbit and would make a good meal._** §

Harry frowned at the words Nagini aimed toward him. He was laying on his bed, simply reading Quidditch Through the Ages, and Nagini had appeared.

After a few weeks of the nonstop war between he and Riddle, he’d begun to expect more than just Nagini coming along. And the _more_ he’d been expecting did in no way encompass what she had just told him.

§ _ **Um… what?**_ §

§ _ **Anything to say?**_ § she asked, completely ignoring his question.

§ _ **Tell him that he’s bloody bonkers and that if he can’t come up with anything, he should stop.**_ §

Harry watched as the serpent slithered from the room, wondering just what was going on in Riddle’s mind.

* * *

§ _ **You smell like moldy cheese.**_ §

§ _ **Go lick a porcupine.**_ §

§ _ **Your skin would make a lovely suit.**_ §

§ _ **Too bad you can’t work like me.**_ §

§ _ **Why do you look ill then?**_ §

Nagini was relentless in making up comments for the two-leggers. And she was endlessly amused. To see how the both of them responded, thinking that the other was behind it.

Since both decided to behave like hatchlings, she would continue to treat them as such.

* * *

Tom stared down at his faithful familiar, wondering just what was wrong with the Potter Heir. He’d told Nagini to go and bother him by demanding to know how often the other bothered to brush the rat’s nest he called hair. Though secretly he just wanted to know how the moron managed to look so good. Was it any effort on his part or was it natural?

So he might fancy the other just the slightest bit. He was good at magic, even if he wasn’t the best. He was generally kind to everyone, even when everyone wasn’t kind in return. He was nothing like his father, whom Tom had the unfortunate privilege of meeting at the Ministry Ball last December. He defeated Tom in their duels and was the only person to ever do it.

Half of the school fancied Potter, the other half fancied Tom.

The biggest thing to catch his interest was the fact that Potter didn’t seem to find him attractive in the least. As that never happened before, he didn’t like being ignored.

So he’d been bothering the other a lot, preferring to get his attention over anyone else having it. Petty yes, but it worked.

And when Nagini came back from asking Potter about his hair, she had something that was odd to respond with.

§ _ **When are you going to bother being honest with yourself and commencing the mating ritual?**_ §

§ _ **What?**_ § was his brilliant answer, because how in the hell did Potter know he was interested? He did not show anything outward and they rarely spoke in person except during Snape’s dueling classes. And that was just to taunt one another.

§ _ **He wants to know when you’ll finally have hatchlings. He thinks you are too scared to mate him.**_ §

Potter was talking about sex. With Tom.

Potter was bold. It had to be his inner Gryffindor. He’d said some ridiculous things before but nothing like this had been uttered between them!

And if Potter was under the impression that Tom was playing with his feelings or they were in some odd courtship, then Tom would have to go and set things right. Because how could he expect Nagini to remember an entire conversation worth of words?

§ _ **I’m going to speak with him.**_ §

And get to the bottom of the situation.

* * *

Harry’s jaw was practically on the ground. Of all the things he expected Tom Riddle to say to him, this was not it. After all, Riddle didn’t seem like the type of person to be interested in sex, but there he was, standing in front of Harry and inquiring over whether or not Harry wanted them to shag or not.

Riddle being interested in anyone was a rarity, but to hear him be so… _crude_ , was unheard of.

And to be honest… Harry would not mind sex with Tom Riddle in the least. He was Tom bloody Riddle!

“If you wouldn’t mind, I would not object,” he admitted carefully.

Something dark in the Slytherin’s eyes made him shiver.

§ _ **Perfect.**_ § the Parselmouth purred.

* * *

§ _ **How is it that I do all of this hard work and I still receive no gratitude?**_ §

Harry paused in his petting of the serpent’s head and sent her a confused glance. § _ **What’s the matter, Nagini?**_ §

She sighed. Yes, he’d learned that she could sigh.

§ _ **You would not understand. I would simply appreciate some mice after all the work I put into helping you and my master copulate.**_ §

Harry choked on his own saliva, mortified at how blatant she had been, and a little horrified to realise that she knew all about his and Tom’s… activities. That was not in any way okay.

§ ** _’_** _ **Work’?**_ § he repeated, still confused.

§ _ **Just pet my scales and allow me to mope.**_ §

He did so, and resolved to ask Tom about it later on. When the man finally got home.

* * *

 

**A/N: Done!**

**How was it? Let me know!**

**Check out my other Harry Potter fics!**

**See ya! :D**

**CHECK ME OUT ON TUMBLR.[HELLY-WATERMELONSMELLINFELLON](http://helly-watermelonsmellinfellon.tumblr.com/). I FOLLOW BACK.**

**Author's Note:**

> Check out my many other HP fics! ^-^


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